FOUR

“When I was a teenager, my parents were trying to figure out what they believed about the church. They had been lifelong members, but they were going through a faith crisis. Their questioning made it difficult for me to develop a strong faith of my own, and I ended up stepping away from the church when I graduated high school.

I went to college, but it wasn’t long before I was turning 19 and the idea of serving a mission popped up. Even though I didn’t believe the doctrine of the church, let alone the existence of God or Jesus Christ, the pressure of being asked “are you going?” so often led me to really consider it as an opportunity for personal growth. I even put in my mission papers and got through the interview with the bishop, having faith that the adventures I would have serving a mission would be worth the life experience.The week before my interview with the stake president, I realized what I was signing up for. I didn’t have a testimony, and in fact was more sure that the church wasn’t true. Such a big decision deserved a solid answer, however, so I tried my best to get one. Having never read the Book of Mormon, I knew that was the place to start. I found a small study room in my dorm and placed a copy on the table alongside a pad of sticky notes. My plan was to read the entire thing in one night. For everything I could stand behind and teach as a missionary, I would place one sticky note coming out the top of the book. For everything I didn’t believe, didn’t understand, or felt I couldn’t teach, I would place a sticky note out the bottom. When I was done, I would look at the book, see if the top or the bottom of the book had more stickies, and decide I would go on a mission based on which side of the book won.My plan didn’t work. After somewhere around eight hours of reading, I found I had read farther than I thought, but I still couldn’t finish it. There were too many questions, and too little time. I called my parents in the middle of the night to tell them I wouldn’t be going on a mission, and, understanding my uncertainty, they were supportive.

Over the next two years, I faced repeated questions about my decision to not go on a mission. Church members with the best intentions would occasionally send me General Conference talks they thought might strike a chord. Every event with extended family was sure to end a clipped article from a church magazine. My answer of “no” was at the ready, no matter what they asked.Then, people stopped asking. They knew I didn’t plan on going and they respected my decision. I felt like I could finally move on with my life, and I did, but all that asking had an unintended consequence. I had become conditioned to revisit my reasons for not going on a mission so frequently that, when no one was there to ask me, I had to ask myself. Instead of having my “no” ready, I had to occasionally ask myself “why.”During this time, I had done a lot of searching for truth in multiple places. I realized it was only fair to give the same attention to the religion I grew up in. I knew that reading the Book of Mormon was a good first step, but this time my approach was different. I read it slowly, over the course of months. I didn’t pray on the first night to know if it was all true, but just to know if this was a good path for me. I took on my questions slowly, seeking for answers instead of looking to find fault. I had faith-building experiences and spiritual confirmations of truth. I realized that having all the answers wasn’t important, but having faith that the answers exist is.

I have since served a mission, been sealed in the temple to an amazing wife, and we’re now expecting our third child.Coming back to church was the fork in the road that changed the course of my life. Not because it gave me a good community or raised my vision of what was possible in this life or helped me set wholesome goals, but because it helped me connect with my Savior. I’m so grateful that I was given the gift of faith, a gift I thought I’d never have, and the chance to develop my relationship with Jesus Christ.”