THIRTEEN

“I had an ideal upbringing in the LDS faith. I lived in a loving home where we went to church every week, we prayed daily, and God was always a part of my life.

As a teenager, I never questioned my religion. I believed in it, and rarely felt much doubt. I never tested the limits or tried to break any rules. I read the Book of Mormon all the way through and attended early morning seminary every day. I did as I was taught and didn’t fight against it. It felt natural and right to me.

In my adult years, things got harder. I thought I was doing everything the way I was supposed to. I went to BYU. I got married in the temple. And then my marriage became abusive. I was unhappy and beaten down. I felt isolated and lost. I was so confused. I wondered why God had given me this reward. I thought I deserved better. I thought I had done the right things and would be blessed with a happy and good life as a result. I had always been taught that marriage is forever. I felt resigned to the idea that a difficult marriage was simply my cross to bear. A challenge to make me stronger. If I prayed harder, studied His word more diligently, if I endured, if I continually tried to be a better wife… then things would change.

But they didn’t. Instead, I began to lose my faith in Him. And yet, I had nowhere else to turn. So I continued to pray and plead all the desparations of my heart. As a way of coping and venting, more than anything else. Finally, I started to imagine a plan of how I could get away. How I could take my toddler son, get the help we needed, and leave safely. I didn’t know if God would approve of this plan, of me breaking my marital vows and covenants. I was scared of this unknown territory. I felt so guilty.

One night, after my husband had been in a violent rage, I sat crying in my room, holding my son and trying to console him back to sleep. I began to imagine God sitting next to me. I envisioned His kind face. I thought of what I would say to Him. I imagined what He would say to me. The words, “I want you to be happy. I want you to feel loved as I love you,” came to my mind. This was the permission and validation I needed to let me know it was okay to leave. It was also the reminder I needed that God was still there, He was still looking out for me, He still heard my prayers.

My adult life has not been easy. I often times look back to my teenage years and envy the unwavering faith I had then. The black and white answers. How easily I differentiated between right and wrong. I feel sad when I think how my testimony is no longer what it once was. But then I remember… I may question more now than I did then, but I have endured real-life trials with God undoubtedly by my side. I may question Him at times. I might feel angry, and even avoid talking to Him for a while. But I always come around. I come back to Him. My life is fuller and more meaningful with Him in it. I go to church because I believe it’s true, and because it’s a part of who I am. It brings me joy. That constant has gotten me through all the toughest parts of my life.”