FIFTY

“I was raised in the church. My father has been inactive for most of my life, and my mother is a convert. I relied on my mother’s testimony for years, but finally decided to read the Book of Mormon all the way through on my own and pray. After praying for several months and receiving a personal blessing from my home teachers I received my own answer about the church. I knew that the gospel was true, I had a firm testimony of the priesthood and of Jesus Christ. The answer wasn’t fireworks like I always imagined it would be. Instead, it was a gentle, warm, and peaceful feeling.

I’ve learned through the gospel that you can have peace even in very difficult trials. I married my husband in the Kansas City Temple in January 2014. We decided to wait to have children until we both finished school and got to know each other better. About 3 months into our marriage, we both felt impressed that we needed to start our family now. I didn’t really like or trust this plan from God because I had life plans of my own. After a year of trying on our own we made an appointment with a fertility specialist who quickly gave us the options of either IVF or adoption. We continued the fertility treatments for 3 years and it was often hard for me to attend church during this time, especially when I was called to be a nursery leader or on Mother’s Day. The other nursery leaders were pregnant, and I truly believed God was rubbing it in my face for no reason at all. We became pregnant after our second round of IVF. Unfortunately, it didn’t last past 10 weeks. I became depressed, emotionally unstable, and nearly inactive at church for several months after this. Sisters would ask me to come sit in relief society, but I made excuses not to. I had let my testimony slip because I was beginning to doubt God’s plan for me. Then one day it hit me like a brick wall; I was being selfish and ungrateful. I started attending all hours of church again, reading my scriptures, seeking personal revelation, and serving others around me. Within a year we welcomed miracle twin boys into our family. After doing 7 total rounds of IVF, losing our next pregnancy in the second trimester, and having several more failed transfers, I received my personal revelation that I would not have any more biological children. This was very devastating to me at first, but God kept telling me “All will be well” and I decided to trust in that. I found a whole person change occurs after accepting God’s will. I felt complete peace, more understanding towards others, and a stronger testimony with a solid foundation. 

My conversion wasn’t one big aha moment. It was a lot of different trials that I needed to go through to become stronger spiritually. And God continues to surprise me in different ways each day. I’m still learning to be a better person, and to help those around me. This is His gospel; He has a plan and a purpose for each of us if we just trust in Him. Jesus Christ lives and continues to guide us through the Holy Ghost if we just seek Him and listen with our whole heart. I know that Jesus Christ died for each of us so that we can be forgiven of our sins and return to live with Him and our eternal family one day. I know that if we endure to the end and follow God’s plan all will be well.”