SIXTY

“Everyone’s testimony is unique and different. I know people that have gained a testimony in adulthood following a singular transformative event in their lives, whether that be from the light of a miracle when all hope was seemingly lost or from a heavenly tender mercy that embraced them in the devastating darkness of grief and comforted them that a loving reunion awaits. I also know many that built their testimony in their childhood as they were taught, loved, guided and nurtured by their parents, friends and church leaders, whose own candles had been burning brightly for many years. 

Whatever their story or however they gained their testimony, there was always a light about them – a confident surety of sorts. Their testimonies seemed firm, absolute and enduring – testimonies that could carry them into the eternities. They didn’t need logic, facts, or proof in their minds to maintain the spiritual momentum that they held in their hearts. I wish I could be like that.

I am a convert to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. As a child, my dad would take me to church on the occasional Sunday here or there. Some years we were Presbyterians, other years we were Methodists, and one year, I was even a Lutheran. Experiencing all of these different denominations often left me confused and insecure in my faith – why were their so many churches and which one was right and true? As I grew into my adolescence and early adulthood I grew skeptical of organized religion and the miraculous stories that the scriptures described. However, through it all, something deep down always whispered to me that there was something more – something that could be found. It was as this spiritually confused and insecure skeptic when the church found me… because I had stopped looking many years prior. 

I was now being taught of Joseph Smith’s First Vision, gold plates, undiscovered ancient civilizations in the Americas and modern living prophets. The skeptic screamed at the absurdity of it all but the whispering that I still kept in my heart forced me to ponder “but is it true”? I started reading the Book of Mormon skeptical of its origins and its translator but found I could not deny the truth found in it’s pages. This left me with a precarious question – how can the Book of Mormon be true if its origins are not? The only answer I could rationalize was that the only way the Book of Mormon could be true was if its origins and translator were also true. And it was with this reverse-engineering of sorts that I converted to the church.

At this time I was in college studying biology and chemistry – disciplines that can be studied, tested and applied with logic to reveal and define fact and knowledge. I learned one could take the evidence they were surrounded with and apply logic (and logic alone) to reach a conclusion. Surely, knowledge could be proven. And it was under this academic, science-based, logic-driven view of the world that I tried to build a testimony… not easy.

However important and as helpful as they can be, I have found that the gospel will never be proven exclusively by logic, facts or even the world around us. I found that for many years I was focused so much on the truthfulness of the gospel being proven by the world around us that I was neglecting the truthfulness of the gospel that only the Spirit can testify of. My studies have led me to books and academic papers describing exciting archeological discoveries, linguistic nuances found in the Book of Mormon supporting ancient origins, and historical church documentation (among other things) that support the authenticity of the church, modern prophets and the Book of Mormon. This type of study converted my mind but not my heart. This type of study converted me for a day but not for a lifetime. 

Although not as common for me, I have also been blessed by a handful of very powerful Spiritual experiences during times of trial or pain or grief when heavenly answers rescued me in prayer, provided critical understanding at just the right time with information impressed on my mind in the temple, and also comforted me when my parents crossed the veil. Answers, impressions, visions… I couldn’t explain these experiences with facts or logic or conventional knowledge. They could only be explained by the Spirit. These experiences testified to my heart and converted me for weeks, months, even years.

Invariably, I fall back into my logic-driven approaches and find myself trying to thinly renew my testimony from day to day with facts and logic until my next Spiritual confirmation can maintain me for longer. So what is my testimony? It is the knowledge that I have a tender, merciful and understanding Father in Heaven who has loving patience for me as I trip and stumble and, in my own inadequate way, try to build my testimony a little more each day. I trust in Him that my next confirming Spiritual experience is just around the corner, ready to get me one more confident step closer to Him.”