NINETY

“I feel blessed to say I was born and raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and as a few other wonderful members have stated, being a member is not the equivalent to being converted. I have found that raw conversion is found in the most gut-wrenching doubts that plague what you thought you knew was true. However, a testimony cannot grow or flourish if not tried and tested. 

As a little girl up into my late teens, I loved and lived the gospel as much as a young person could with my understanding. It felt right, and the strengthening testimonies of my parents aided me in shaping my beliefs. After I graduated high school, this beautiful protective “dome” I grew in was cracking and eventually broke as I grew and became exposed to what else was out there. The winds of the world hit my face and I started to see more and more through interactions with others and media. 

Over the span of the last 2 years I struggled with what some would call a “faith crisis” and eventually almost left the church. The opposing, anti-church literature and even information regarding the beliefs of Latter-day Saints I never considered, arrested my sense of stability and peace. 

My very best friend (who is not a member) was one of these opposing voices that led me down what was an unexpected path. I remember one summer day in the midst of my suffocating uncertainties, I was crying and babbling about how I had no idea what to do. I then remember everything around us was quiet and he looked in my eyes and said words I would never forget.

“You must figure out what you believe, why, and be bold in it.” I remember feeling somewhat reprimanded and my tears ceased. A message I am confident was from the Spirit to me was something I did not want to accept….In consequence, my doubts, questions and anxieties piled up and I then continued to hear this exact message 2 more times that year from random people I encountered. Over the next several months, I decided to try having conversations with missionaries and doing a little here and a little there. I found some answers to a few questions but I was lacking earnest desire, discipline and diligence. There was hardly any scripture reading or communication with God. At the root, I just wanted to feel OK and finally rest in my comfortable ignorance. So in consequence, I did not feel vitality, confidence or the impressions of the Spirit like I thought I was supposed to. I was in an area of my life concerning my family and gospel relations where one more thing could either push me forward or backward.

I decided to attend my best friend’s church service to visit with his family. The sermon taught was about the true gospel. I found it interesting and to my friend’s and to my surprise the pastor yelled out something about how “Mormon” doctrine is completely fabricated by man. I was embarrassed, shocked and my stomach became tight. Afterall, do we not testify that Joseph Smith was instrumental in restoring the fullness of the gospel within the Book of Mormon? That was the thing that pushed me over the edge. After the service, my friend and I were driving and I remember he started to apologize, saying no one has ever said anything about the LDS church in the services and it was completely foreign. In exasperation and emotional exhaustion I exclaimed how tired I was that so many people make assumptions and don’t even try to understand our faith. It became quiet and he pulled over the car and said, “Okay then… I have questions.” We sat and discussed his questions for what was about 3 hours. The fruit that came from such an enlightening discussion was simply, at almost 20 years old I had no answers, testimony to the faith I once had at 8 years old and could only regurgitate what I was taught for the past 19 years. I went away feeling so inadequate and empty. But hopeful. I knew I had much to learn. The wake up call from the Spirit from the past 2 years finally pierced my core.

 So I followed President Uchdorf’s advice to, “Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.”

I dove in head first to learn all I could. I read, researched, tried, tested, experimented, compared, listened, and discussed about sciences, doctrine and histories of the gospel and other faiths. The most important aspect I applied to this ongoing expedition is that I prayed. 

I had an undying desire and wonder to know truth. And when that is coupled with communicative and humble prayer to our Creator, truth will be made known.

Now, over the past couple months, I have had unmistakable moments in prayer and scripture reading where the Spirit testified to me that truth is restored, and it continues to be so. The application of such sacred and powerful principles was now felt for the first time. In turn, I have felt true repentance, complete transformation of body & soul and raw vitality for the gospel of Jesus Christ made possible through the Atonement of Christ.

 The gospel of Jesus Christ is very real and if we make the conscious decision to believe with undying faith, the power and understanding that the Lord will flood your body, mind and spirit with, is unparalleled. 

It is the grand beginning of the beautiful plan He set in place for our eternal progression.

I say all this with the truth that if we seek to acquire understanding and oneness with our Creator, do not discount the impressions and truths that were once manifested to you before by the Spirit. If it was true when I was 8 years old, it is still true. However, as we grow, our expanse for knowledge, critical thought, hunger for truth is inevitable. So, we must attend our doubts with belief that we will find truth and come to know our growing selves and Christ as we seek.

 Pray. Read the scriptures. Trust Christ. Hold onto humility. Ask questions. Challenge everything. Make decisions. Above all, do not abandon what you know to be true. As you grow and expand in every sense, so must your testimony.”